If the President actually did call me for advice: I am in italics & POTUS is in red
Please hold for the President
The President is on the line and he would like to speak to you.
I stand up and straighten my shirt for some reason
Hello Donald, it’s Barack
I heard that you think I should call you because I am not living up to your expectations.
Well sir, I never said that
But that was your point
Well sir in fact I do have some advice.
I hear some muffed discussion (I think the President is covering the mouth piece but I hear a little)
“Not now Joe I’m talking to that Flad guy you like” “Yes, Joe I will tell him you said hello” “No, Joe I am not going to ask him about the money he and Jeff Parks owes you”
Sorry Donald you still there?
Yes sir – May I sit down?
Why are you standing?
I am speaking to you
I am not in the room so the standing up thing is not necessary
Thank you sir
Are you always this formal?
Well… I am speaking to the President of the United States.
I have ordered the Secret Service to keep the Vice President out of the office so you have my undivided attention.
If I were advising you about your Thursday speech; I would not make it.
The Republicans have ruined Joint Sessions speeches with their “You lying” and tweeting that you hate your country during them. You might as well be speaking before a group of high school kids.
I have spoken to high school kids and believe me they are more attentive.
I would do this:
Fuck Congress – Go over their head – speak directly to the people.
Make the same speech over and over again for 24 hours and not always in a setting comfortable for you.
On the front steps of the New York Stock Exchange – Talk about jobs on the door step of those who claim to create them.
South Philly – These folks are Democrats but they have not always been supportive of black candidates
Nashville – one of the buckles in the Bible belt – the stars will be there to support you and you will reach the country western market – a quick side trip to Memphis and a BBQ shack along the Mississippi.
Kansas City and add some Harry Truman quotes
Omaha – Warren Buffet likes you and he wants you to succeed –ask him to introduce you before a lecture
Salt Lake City – You will get 13 votes in Utah but the Mormon’s are polite and respectful – stage a rally on the BYU campus – You are the President – They would not dare turn you down
Texas – Where is W building his library? Speak on that campus
Denver – You won’t fill the stadium again but remind them about the important part they played in your nomination
Arizona – Piss on John McCain
San Diego – Issa’s base and a pretty conservative town
Alaska – go there – Speak there – you will get a bigger crowd than the quitter and may be able to bring Murkowski over to our party if you play you cards right
Hawaii – you are home – fill the stadium after you spend 24 hours hanging out with the service members on base – bring them with you to the speech
Fly back to DC and walk your job creating bill up the steps of the capital and hand it to the Speaker of the House and the Majority Leader of the Senate